When I opened Winamp to play some music while I was writing, the Phantom of the Opera “The Point of No Return” came up. Very interesting.

Never in my life have I ignored my emotions or thoughts. My rule since a very young age was to never leave a thought or emotion left un-examined.

Throughout my personal ordeal of 2022, that has certainly been true. So true, in fact, that this time I think the excessive introspection caused more problems than it solved. If I had just surrendered sooner, perhaps the suffering would have been less. But that is a pointless speculation. The opposite could also be true – it could be I needed the ruthless internal checking and stubbornness to get through this.

I have been there before – too much questioning – not enough confidence. Why? Myriad reasons. Another post.

I am still stunned that the degree of suffering I experienced was possible without dying or being rendered unconscious. I am reminded how I am hyper-aware when drunk, except this time it was in excruciating pain.

I am grudgingly learning to let go of this recent experience as I remember lessons I had already discovered and let slip. At least that feels like where I am headed. I am still sorting out the mess. Thus the importance of continuing to work on Ex Inanis.

I don’t like humble pie.

I feel as though I underwent a “life review” or an “integrity check.” This has happened before – I have humorously considered moments like these in the past “deaths.” That perhaps I jumped a timeline or dimension. This can happen either when a paradigm is no longer sustainable or enters into an expansion period.

As the pain & suffering have diminished and a sense of normal oozes back, I may be finding the clarity that I have been missing for this recent “integrity check.”

To continue this post, we need to have a brief tangent.

The universe is not a “singular” place. It resembles something much closer to a Massive Multiplayer Role Playing Game, except where every player is their own instance, with instantaneous-streaming matchmaking.

Individual consciousness is experienced through the intersection of the Will, Wave and Context (Collective). The “individual” part is none of these things, but an emergence that arises out of the mixture.

The Will is “bound” to the Wave, as it requires limitation to “see itself.” Without limitation, there is nothing/everything (void/paradox/potential.) Raw awareness is incapable of experience because it cannot make decisions (observations.)

The Will, however, can change the Wave by deciding what it “puts in.”

The Wave is not bound to the Context, but creates it or is drawn to it via its matchmaking parameters (frequency/vibration, if you want.) As the Wave is simply a conglomeration of choices, it goes without saying that Context is a “choice.”

The Context is the intersection of Waves. Imagine a Venn Diagram of Waves. Waves do not need to be equal, but Waves are bound to the constraints of the Context. If a Wave is capable of more than the Context can process, the Context provides the “best viable story.”

At this time, we are within the Human Context/Collective/Logos.

This will require future articles, but for the sake of simplicity the universe can be thought to contain two categories of Context.

There are Evolutionary Contexts and Prime Context(s).

Evolutionary Context are created by/for beings who have yet to achieve sufficient cohesion to graduate into the Prime Context. Evolutionary Context can primarily be identified by existentialism (in other words, doubt about one’s existence).

By this very doubt, we can know, via the Infinity Principle, that other realties (Contexts) must be possible, because we can imagine realities where there is no doubt.

Evolutionary Context is usually conducted via reincarnation ; beings reincarnate over and over until they are able to achieve enough cohesion to create continuum. Prior lives “leak” into subsequent lives as a means of guidance.

When a being is able to hold continuum (being), they can move into Prime Context. Again, for the sake of simplicity, Prime Context can simply be considered Heaven, Nirvana, or whatever floats your boat. You are able to navigate to any Context or create new Context without restraint. Linearity no longer applies.

The Human Context is certainly within the Evolutionary Context category.

We are doing this little brief overview of some of the core ideas in Ex Inanis because I want to talk about a common pitfall I see in other philosophies/spiritual ideas. There is a prevalent idea that we are “returning to Source/God”, or that we are “God meeting God”, or that the universe moves in cycles ; that is, the universe “dies”, reviews and rebirths (sounds like an integrity check, right?)

We are not returning to Source or God. This would be oblivion. As we mention often here on Ex Inanis, raw awareness cannot make decisions and thus is just a ‘void’ of potential. Ex Inanis thinks this is a poor idea for how to organize your Wave and does not recommend it.

These (very human) paradigms are attempting to create a Prime Context on the foundations of an Evolutionary Context. They are conflating the two. This cannot be done.

The destiny of Evolutionary Context is always the same – it ends. Evolutionary Context is an entropy box “by design” (or if you prefer by low consciousness choice.) The Human Context is overladen with entropy concepts. You will never fix them all. It is impossible. That is part of the “existentialism” trick. It is contingent upon the beings within the Context to “rise above” the limitations of the Context.

No one in the Human Context is “human.” They are just “afflicted” with humanness.

You need compassion in order to “unite yourself” and you need faith in order to disregard appearances – to be in but not of, to be in the audience, but not on the stage. The cohesion of becoming a “continuum” is locked behind compassion/faith. If you continue to “play the game” by investing your soul, you will never reach escape velocity.

This is the lesson I think I am coming back to, I think. These recent events were to release the final things that needed to be released that I was stubbornly holding onto (still in the post-analysis stage) and I again reluctantly admit that I may never have come back around without the severity of the lesson.

Joshua learns “being.”

I’ve been at this gate in my life before but this is the farthest I’ve ever stepped through. I’ve never published my words before (without ripping everything down), or shared some of my creative work. I’ve never been so totally and wholly committed to achieving the life that I want to live where I feel almost detached from life altogether. I’m closer to embodying what I call “wonderment” than ever before.

I want to talk about something that has come up every time I’ve approached this gate before that has gotten me to turn back. It is irritatingly effective. Primarily this “gatekeeper” manifests in arguments from The Other, but I can’t blame the Other for continually buying it. I’ve certainly talked myself out of passing this gate before with the same argument. I’m making it a point to put it here so I know there’s no excuses.

It concerns the nature of work & play.

We often think that work is “anything we need to do, but don’t want to do.”

And we often think that play is “anything we want to do, but don’t need to do.”

You may already see the problem if you’re clever, but let’s continue.

When we are on “the path” (as I call Ex Inanis), we are attempting to sculpt our lives into something holistic, or organic. We are ruthlessly looking for pockets of resistance and blockages to remove. We are seeking to remove all the “divides” within ourselves. That is, we are attempting to create an environment for ourselves to live in that effortlessly produces the life (the consciousness) that we want to embody.

Our holy grail is a state of effortless 24/7 flow.

We do not want to keep having to put “effort” into maintaining a particular stand of mind or life. It should automate itself.

This absolutely means we cannot continue participating in practices that actually run contrary to what we are trying to do. That seems obvious. Yet, if it was so obvious, we would not so often compromise with ourselves.

So, what is the the justification that has so often turned me back from doing the things that I want to do? What has created more complacency than anything else?

“You need to relax. No one can work all the time. You’ll burn out. You need to unwind. Enjoy life.“

This is a good example of mixing truth and lies. Ex Inanis would never tell you not to enjoy yourself. Ex Inanis is about achieving the ultimate joy.

I never needed a break from gaming – I could game until my eyes bled. So why do I need a break from “work” that I want to do?

The problem is obvious – perceiving the work as ‘work’ and perceiving the ‘play’ as ‘play’ (as we have defined above.) Don’t understand?

I have many goals I want to achieve in life but I will just give one example: I want to become a professional artist. So, the argument always goes: “Well, you can’t draw all the time. Everyone needs time off.”

Every time my heart has just gone “Huh? That doesn’t make any sense. Why can’t I draw all the time? Why would I burn out?”

I perceived the art as “work”, so it was something that I needed to do, but didn’t want to do (even though I did).

I perceived the games as “play.” I never thought I would burn out on video games – so I didn’t. So what is stopping us from applying the same perception to ANY ACTIVITY IN LIFE? Nothing. Nothing at all. Except this whole “work/play” polarity. That’s the trap.

Work drives you into the arms of play and play abuses you until you need to work. Should we glorify this as “balance” or a clever ruse to keep you running in circles?

We remove the divide. We merge work and play. Then it becomes – “anything we need to do, we want to do” and its inverse is implied – “anything we want to do, we need to do.”

Now there is no blockage.

Balance emerges when we are living Authentically, or in concert with the heart. We can’t necessarily predict what that balance will look like – we just trust that it will arise.

There are complications here, of course – the primary fault of gaming, in my opinion, is the sense of satisfaction / achievement it creates. Removing our hunger from our heart’s desires or self improvement is a recipe – for you guessed it – Nonsense/complacency/entropy. So gaming was always a “double whammy”, but gaming could just as well have been any human vice.

But that is the gist. Now we practice removing any idea of work & play from our lives, transmute this into just “being” or “doing” and start enjoying the activities that embody the life that we want to live.

Addiction and complacency may as well be one and the same.

Addition doesn’t have to be an addiction to destroy your life. Or perhaps the definition of addiction is too nebulous for most of us to understand. You’re not addicted, you say? You can simply become complacent with a status quo, or rationalize your mediocrity.

Anything you do that your heart knows is disruptive to your life, or holds you back from experiences you want – or need – might be described as an addiction. Our physical health doesn’t need to visibly deteriorate. We can simply be bled slowly over many years and just come to think this is normal. This may even manifest as a gradual decay in the body that is just an accepted part of being human. Hmm. I wonder what that sounds like.

This can go on for so long you actually create a paradigm out of it. You could even market & sell it!

This kind of “addiction” may even be more insidious because it easily masquerades under the approval of our own consciousness and may also manifest in The Other who keeps you in the same place. This is how Nonsense can abuse love – by hiding behind The Other, whom you love and want to exist in harmony with – so you compromise and don’t do a damn thing to offend them. You let yourself commiserate or be convinced and think this is good for you, because it came from someone you love.

Ah, well …

When you adopt a paradigm rooted in subjective idealism, it becomes very difficult to put poison into your life, even if that poison is comforting or familiar. Every time you fail to adhere to your heart’s request, it builds an irritation, disappointment or discontent (we might even call that ‘inflammation’) , like a little drop of poison. Deep down you know this and yet you keep justifying – its alright, just one more drop of poison. How much could be in there? It’ll wash out. I’ll deal with the consequences.

You know that consequences of that extra helping of fries, or that 8-hour game session doesn’t just disappear. You know that choosing to stay in instead of going out to make friends is just another delay, but its alright – I’ll just “attract” what I want out of the ether. It’ll show up. I just gotta trust it. I’m just not trusting hard enough, for fuck’s sake! Have another beer or pop a pill. I can transmute it!

Let’s look at my little toroidal field image again (from the Lexicon) that I totally didn’t ripoff and edit –>

You know that whatever you put it drifts back around to you in some form or another. You might not even know what form it will take. Perhaps the consequences manifest as something totally and seemingly unrelated to the original action. That’s how the “dream” recombines and is reborn again and again. Your dreams, every night, show you how one thing can turn into another – yet you think this doesn’t happen in your waking reality?

You heart tells you to quit it, but your rationalize “see, there were no consequences.”

There isn’t always a clearly defined antecedent. It is “all energy” which we are always reinterpreting as it passes by. Our state of being, mind, thoughts, feelings at the moment of interpretation change the picture entirely. All those nights you decided to stay home and think the only consequence is loneliness – now it manifests as indigestion, an argument with a friend, a perfectly good computer malfunctioning, a broken pipe, or that brand new game being terrible. You can never know.

Your dream will fuck with you because you are fucking with yourself. Crazy? What is crazy is that you know what your heart desires but let fear make all your decisions.

Maybe years of physical tension and repressing your heart’s desires – each little drop of poison – eventually manifests into a kidney stone to wake your ass up. Human death is a critical accumulation of too much Nonsense.

I prefer the term complacency to addiction because addiction just triggers knee-jerk reactions. At least there is some wiggle room when we talk about complacency and recognizing how detrimental it is to one’s life.

Does your life resemble your ideal? Mine doesn’t – so the work continues.

The last few months have felt like I’ve been thrown into the world I only figured out in my head. Like some greater power said, alright, you got it a long time ago – I’m done waiting, get your ass over there.

The last ten years … feel like an extended intellectual vomit – a kind of soul detox. It is hard to dismiss some part of me feels like I haven’t moved anywhere in all that time. I know that isn’t true – I don’t think I could have gotten here any other way. I know I have made leaps & bounds as a person, yet I also feel like in many ways I am starting over.

I may have done a great deal of inner work in the last 10 years and yet my (immediate / local) physical world remains much the same. I have not really gotten any closer to any of the (physical) ideals I created for myself. Again, that is a partial truth – my real progress is in removing mental obstacles that may allow me to actually achieve those original dreams.

I feel a little like my boat sank and I have been washed ashore upon a new world. I arrived at my destination, yet without anything I brought with me and I am trying to make sense of it all. Maybe that is a blessing?

Gaming has always been a big part of my life. Gaming for me wasn’t just escapism but it was a superior world. I figured that if the ‘real world’ couldn’t engage me better than a mere video game, then the ‘real world’ wasn’t worth the attention. It was contingent upon the real world to be more interesting and engaging, no? That’s what I figured. While I am nowhere near the stereotypical “Hikikomori”, my life has certainly been lopsided to isolation – or perhaps just “aggressively mediocre.” I feel more like a well-traveled ghost than a hermit hiding in a cave.

On the other end of this, though, I see the “real world” was always a doomed prospect if I had already decided it so. And in so deciding, I started seeing & creating a world less and less desirable. I was shrinking the “available world” and making my realm smaller and smaller.

This is what I know: we aren’t meant to live our lives through boxes of glass. What is natural about sitting alone talking to virtual people? It doesn’t matter one iota if those people have some real physical substance somewhere “out there” – I have met plenty of them – but this is way harder for a subjective idealist. When you are talking to that virtual person – in your own dream – it doesn’t change the fact you are sitting alone, talking to a box of freaking glass. That’s, uh, how they say … not ideal.

The more I think about it, the more bizarre it becomes.

A video game is essentially a game within a game. We already “in a game” and yet we are escaping into another game. There is something very wrong here. The video game can’t be “separate” from qualia, yet instead it represents a kind of denial or rejection – a quiet acceptance of mediocrity? Do gods play games on computer screens?

You argue – well, life is all about ways to spend our time – there are no “wrong” choices. That might be true, yet whenever I ponder these questions I ask: “If this were a dream, would I waste it playing a video game, or go out and explore what the dream had to offer? Would I rather spend it alone – or with others?“

There are certainly “less ideal” choices, or choices that seem to open more vectors to Nonsense. The world may seem unappealing, yet sitting with a box of glass has infinitely more “unnaturalness” to it than the “greater world.” The fact that I can even question the “naturalness” of gaming should be a clue. Why am I even negotiating with it?

You counter, saying the game is “part of the dream” also and so is as valid a choice as anything (and that is true), yet when I began to glimpse at – what I believe/d – to be the nature of the universe, I began to ask: “Why play a video game when I can work on myself to create the same experiences without the narrow perspective (box of glass)?”

Games offer us experiences we couldn’t otherwise have, but will that always be true? If we don’t work on ourselves, how could we ever expect a more fantastical “real life”? If magic emanates from consciousness, then it is contingent upon us to embody the consciousness capable of magic. Wouldn’t we all rather play our “video games” in the full breadth of our life/qualia rather than sitting alone in a room facing tiny screen? In what “ideal” universe do we ever sit in front of a computer rather than playing the actual role of a wizard or a space man?

Why is the “isekai” genre so popular? Because it knows this shit. On some deep level, we’d rather be run over by trucks rather than keep messing with this black box.

An hour spent on a game is an hour delayed that could have expanded your consciousness – made you more of a god. Even if took a thousand years of reincarnation, wouldn’t that be a better use of my time, than descending further into the “game within a game”?

The same truth holds for anything we have derived from the black box. Social media, news/reporting, information of all kind, entertainment … Would not each of our lives be better with communities, friends and relationships?

Ah, moderation, you say – none of this is a problem with balance. But I do not see this as a question of moderation, or addiction, or unhealthy habits. It is about the nature of the beast to begin with. Is it not such an irony that the thing that is suppose to “connect everyone” actually isolates and disconnects them into their own worlds? Inch by inch, it takes you. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Yeah, sounds a lot like our daily descriptions of Nonsense.

Should we simply abide these very immediate and salient truths? I have always followed the philosophy that whatever we believe is ultimately true (IDEAL) even if it “not possible” should imminently inform our behavior to the best of our ability. We live our lives “now” and any compromise on “now” should really be unacceptable, no? Like negotiating with a terrorist. As soon as we allow “tomorrow” to inform right now, we have already lost.

I have an overwhelming love for art & animation and computers have become integral to that medium. I am not suggesting we become luddites, yet in my opinion either the Internet/computers or the nature in which we interact with it is in dire need of revision.

If we saw computers “only for work”, would that fix it? Then it is just a tool, like a hammer or a saw, not an excuse or black hole separating us from our own lives. This re-framing completely changes how we even approach the computer – its other functions don’t even EXIST. You train yourself, with as much arrogance as you need, to look at The Other like they’re crazy when they talk about how they’re using a hammer to talk to people across the world. Nuts!

Why do we do this? Because we want real people in our immediate qualia – not virtual people (as even a concept) – and we don’t need be creating “interim steps.”

[ edit: This was a bit tongue-in-cheek. I want to clarify this is a mental exercise to move one to seeing the computer as a tool, not a denial that it can also be used to meet real people. Actually, we can include that as part of the ‘tool’ function – maybe write about this later – as usual, discernment/skill is needed with all things. ]

I know that in my own life I have to change how I approach the black box. I am going to narrow the scope of how I use it only to creative pursuits as best I can. Anything that even approaches consumption over engaging my own qualia needs to go. I’ll talk a little more about Creation & Consumption in a subsequent post.

Someone on my Tumblr feed posted a quote about burning bridges to the light the way. I agree. For now, I leave with this –>

That’s 12,870 hours that could have been applied to ascension. And the 666 is eerie.

GoG and Humble Bundle are also in process.

I see you, Nonsense. I am on to you. I already hear the laments from The Other. I do this because I am tired of mediocrity.

To continue somewhat with the last post, mastery is really about turning the tight rope into a platform, where thoughts begin to calm and quiet.

This post will posit more questions than answers, because I am doing some major re-visioning in myself.

What I want to revisit, though, is the origin of thoughts. There seems to be several types of thoughts.

Reaction Thoughts – thoughts that arise in reaction to (perceived) “external” events.

Random / Unbidden Thoughts – thoughts that seem to have no particular origin yet still arrive in “language form.”

Ambient thoughts – Similar to unbidden thoughts, seem to “bubble up” when we relax, meditate, sleep – it seems like random observation of ourselves (even forgotten or long dormant aspects of ourselves.)

Chosen Thoughts – Seemingly restricted, or filtered, by the Wave, these are thoughts we seem to be able to “will” into being ; like picking items off a shelf. Self-talk, planning, “abusing imagination space” (sorry, future post) are examples of this.

But in effect, these are “all the same.”

If we assume that thoughts are a kind of “translation” of ourselves – energy – then the language is a device we created to give structure to energetic patterns / vibrations / etc. that we are able to feel / see / so on.

If we believe that all thought originates from within, then the mechanism of how certain thoughts come about is more of a usurpation / automation of will. That is, in theory, we allowed certain thoughts to come to us “automatically” because it was useful at some point – but it has become a shackle – a cacophony which we have entire physical & spiritual practices to deal with. What the hell? No one thinks this the least suspicious? Why not just shut down these robots?

I have been having serious doubts about a lot of things lately.

Because of Unity (the understanding of no inside/outside), recent events and The Uncertainty, I can’t help but begin to doubt even the origin of certain thoughts. If we accept there is an X-Factor of Otherness or Outsideness, whether this is an automation of our own consciousness, or “true beings”, then once we understand “we are not in the brain”, then even thoughts themselves – just as other people appear to us – could be foreign in origin.

In this context, we do not use the word “foreign” to abdicate responsibility or reject that they are “there”, but to indicate unexpected or autonomous aspects of the Wave, like the rising of the sun or the moon. This is basic wisdom – observing thoughts and letting them pass and whatnot – and not what I am trying to convey.

We want to question the very origin. What is keeping the factory going to begin with? We know we can retool the factory to produce different thoughts, but can we change the product altogether? Instead of thoughts, can it produce feelings? Can it change ‘blue’ to ‘red’? Can we shut it down and just interpret the “raw” universe without language? Or are we mistaken about the factory altogether and there is another origin?

When we see ourselves truly as the observer or the “I AM” that is often used in these discussions, then we cannot believe that even thought itself is of “us” but must be a choice – across the entire spectrum, like choosing to wear red or blue. As I said before, we stamp reality with our observations – yet we are still having trouble understanding how many filters we have on those observations.

We are stamping with a whole lot of useless baggage.

I have been returning to the concept of Dysfunctional Sovereignty over and over in the last few weeks. That an excess of free will is a trap of Nonsense. I find that I am now often irritated when someone blithely reveres free will in total abandonment of compassion – as I now realize there is a “lie” of free will that has been beaten into us. This has been an atomic bomb in my paradigm. I do believe free will is inviolate – but the free will we have been taught is a farce ; a distraction to lead us astray. There is something more going on here.

Free will is being used as a catch-all scapegoat. Nonsense is having a field day.

Compassion is a fundamental just as free will is ; “free will” may be the observing agent, but compassion is the connection to everything that lets it even work.

Raw free will would just be random chaos that would inevitably organize into the basics of order. Raw free will cannot be hoisted up onto an altar above all other things.

If a child puts their hand in a fire, you may allow them to do it once so they know it is hot. But what if the child keeps putting their hands in the fire? Do you stop them or do you just say: ‘That’s free will.’

Why, even, does the fire burn as it does? Clearly we can easily conceive of realities, as we do in dreams, we fire does not burn so. So what has possessed us to occupy this place where there is such a visceral and linear experience?

An even slightly conscious being does not choose suffering. Even animals do not choose suffering – they will attempt to escape at all costs. Only a neurotic dysfunctional mind being would continue to choose suffering as a means of enlightenment, much less create entire paradigms and systems to justify it.

No experience can be greater than any other – otherwise it destroys all free will. If any experience were “more valid” than another, then this would create a One True Path (entropy box), meaning the total eradication of choice (choice would become an illusion in service to the One True Path.)

This means suffering is a choice. It is one experience among myriad. If we recognize suffering is a choice, then either we are fools to keep choosing it (doesn’t matter if this is a result of conditioning, whether we are young souls, or anything else), or there are factors we haven’t yet considered.

The Uncertainty is a powerful force here that could keep us in loops of suffering, yet there is still something more here.

Our world has “too many choices.“ A paradise reality would be a reality of willfully chosen boundaries ; not the denial that suffering exists, but simply the choice not to indulge in it. If reality operates as we believe it does, we should already be living in paradise. “Manifestation” does not take that long to “revise reality.”

Something has gone awry.

The world has many choices which are not good for us. How can that be when even the lowest life forms abhor suffering or avoid it? Suffering would be the quickest thing to be “washed out” of the individual & collective Wave because it would be universally apprehended as undesirable. The Context / collective gestalt / world would very rapidly create a less dense space, because the aversion of suffering is so primal already. So what is going on here?

It is almost as if there is a concentrated effort to keep suffering as part of the individual and collective Wave. I once believed that this was just an individual journey of obtaining higher consciousness, as that could neatly explain a lot, but I am having doubts. I think this obsessive focus on introspection is a trap of Nonsense / part of the “dark gestalt” and whatever physical forms that manifest in humans.

We can accept, honor and release certain thoughts, but now, more than ever, I realize we should be careful to identify with them. This isn’t a matter of trust, because if the understanding of “us” as the observer – that this is the origin of free will – then we must accept our entire Wave, including the thoughts that arise there, are “not us” or are passing.

We often think of our head space as sacred or private, but is this so? What is “head space” except another arbitrary boundary we have been using to navigate this reality? It is just a function we have interjected into our decision making / rules for observation. It is an illusion.

I am called back once again to the story of Babel, where we have all been addled with language. Do we need to “think” without “thinking”? Is this the advent of telepathy?

We can practice removing this “head space” – diminish the thinking apparatus – I think this moves us closer to true freedom, when we can make choices “without identity” – we can choose freely within the Wave and not be anchored to even what we thought were private (false identity) spaces.

I can see there is still much unpacking within me. I see the irony in wanting to dispel overthinking while writing posts like this one, or how the entire work of Ex Inanis came about in the first place. I feel like I am intentionally trying to overload the system to prove that it is garbage. When it runs out of answers to give, you know you have “won.”

Don’t become an addict of thinking.

Saw this about a week ago. Pictures don’t do it justice. This cloud was perfectly round for as far as I could see.

UFO / Cloudship or just a cloud?

You decide!

Very cool regardless. Sorry the photos aren’t better. I’m going to try to do more photography / videos in the future. These photos were very unprepared / spontaneous.

Imagine a world where we didn’t have to have freaking wires everywhere to deliver electricity.