Finding a companion has been a life long dream of mine. That is not a big shock ; most people have that wish. What they don’t realize is such a wish is really a wish for cohesion, which then becomes represented in your reality – that may very well take the shape of your ideal person if you wish (I do.)
To say that I have had no success is probably an understatement. My initial “dark night of the soul” and impetus for higher wisdom originated from a bizarre relationship/not-relationship. This too is probably not an unfamiliar story.
Every attempt at relationships/romance thereafter failed horribly. The very last attempt at relationship was when I reached a turning point ; I made a kind of sacrifice, a “Pact” that must have shattered the universe.
I declared, many years ago, “I would be complete and need no one!” I remember it clearly. I remember the power of that Intention. And I followed through with actions (I beat the shit out of a punching bag until it scarred my hand, I destroyed a huge library of video games / this was before digital was standard practice, and I destroyed a bunch of valuable anime collectibles I had spent years putting together). It was unmistakable. This set me firmly upon The Path.
This post is because I truly feel like I have come full circle ; to realize all the dreams I “abandoned” in my youth ; one of which was true love.
I realized awhile ago that to find “true love”, I had to embody that concept in myself first. When I made that Decision, I didn’t realize how much garbage – Nonsense – would have to be cleared. I had thought simply upon touching this seminal truth, I had won.
Boy, was I wrong.
I had no idea what true love was ; all I had done was glimpsed it by conceiving it. I spent years and years building the structure that allowed me to pierce the heavens and taste it. I was Prometheus stealing fire, not realizing the power I was stealing and what it would do (hint: it involves burning you inside out.)
Be careful what you wish for – but I have no regrets. A life unexamined and all that.
As god-creators, we have no idea just how much power we have, including the ability to wreak unimaginable havoc within our own lives. We do this because we are out of cohesion ; we have sprinkled our own authority all over the place which comes back around to beat us senseless. We surrender authority whenever we allow our qualia to dictate our reactions or Decisions ; when we do not “create from nothing.”
The Phantom of the Opera post I made earlier, though, gave me a unique perspective that resonates strongly with me. I feel like what I do now is about bringing “her” into existence. I know that’s kind of cheesy – or perhaps hammy, if you prefer. Sorry, I don’t have any vegan terms.
I see an ultimate reality without limitations and “she” almost feels like the cosmos itself ; that I everything I do is somehow for “her.” I really felt like Raoul (Wave) serenading Christine (Paradox/Cosmos.) “She” becomes the embodiment of the entire universe and our “dance” creates reality.
True love could not be obtained without Ex Inanis ; without all the work I have done. Without this work, I could never have understood. I could never have found this place within myself ; there would never have been room for another. Without Ex Inanis, every relationship would have failed.
I resisted with every fiber of my being to releasing this work because I saw no purpose in it. I had concepts for something like this as far back as my teenage years – I called it “Last Stop to Nowhere” back then. Writing this now, I cannot believe how appropriate that was at the time.
I hate the concept of “teaching” ; it is a horrible world view, in my opinion, because you presume your world needs teaching. You create your own students and “need to teach them”, so you are creating The Other with ignorance and “a need to learn.” Who would want to do that? That is some kind of endless hell.
I realized, though, we do not do works like these to “teach”, per se, but because it keeps us upon the path ; it clarifies and builds the path. And The Other benefits, because the benefit is aligned/created by you ; they assimilate the knowledge like magic. I realized this not long ago – but it took a visit from the Spanish Inquisition to really “get it in there.”