I have kept a private journal for most of my life. I have decided to start using this platform as my journal instead, as a commitment to change. This will sort of be a work in progress. The journal was multilayered and was never written with the intent to be read, so I have bad habits that create a kind of shorthand I have to correct as I write here.
I would love to link all of the concepts I frequently “self talk” to myself and explain them but it will take time to get there. I apologize for anyone reading that has to “wing it.” But I need to write these to myself, even if they seem to be in code.
It is funny, when we are in flow, synchronicity-mode, just how everything lines up.
I was listening to my Winamp playlist on shuffle, and “All I Ask of You” from the Phantom of the Opera came up.
I started crying as I heard this song as a partnership with yourself and the universe / God / qualia / reality.
We are the “fingers of God” ; in this experience, we contain a crystalized pinpoint of “immediate result” ; we become the conduit for a force so beyond our capacity to hold based on what we choose. But when we realize this, we can surrender to it in totality and we become gods ourselves, trusting everything “up there” to flow just as you expect and transform the world.
God/Creation/Paradox/Universe is “Christine” and “you” are “Raoul.”
Notice how Christine – God – asks Raoul: “Say you need me ; promise me all that you say is true” – asking Raoul to be true, authentic.
Christine says: “All I want is freedom” ; God cannot have any experience without you. God does not want a world of night, of darkness, of nothingness, of non-experience – of Nonsense.
You can follow the exchange from there. Really listen to the lyrics and see the exchange in this context.
The Phantom is “Nonsense”, or Resistance ; mourning for a world he cannot have.
You must love the world / God / Creation / see yourself in this place ; see how this transforms your perspective. I say this as someone who has often struggled with incredible anger, disdain and hatred. I have stood in those negative emotions and they are powerful ; they can transform your world ; but is it a world you want? Is that the world you wish to share with “Christine”?
[RAOUL]
No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I’m here, nothing can harm you
My words will warm and calm you
Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
I’m here, with you, beside you
To guard you and to guide you
[CHRISTINE]
Say you love me every waking moment
Turn my head with talk of summertime
Say you need me with you now and always
Promise me that all you say is true
That’s all I ask of you
[RAOUL]
Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You’re safe, no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you
[CHRISTINE]
All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you, always beside me
To hold me and to hide me
[RAOUL]
Then say you’ll share with me
One love, one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, that’s all I ask of you
[CHRISTINE]
Say you’ll share with me
One love, one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you
[TOGETHER / CHRISTINE in Stage Version]
Share each day with me
Each night, each morning
[CHRISTINE]
Say you love me
[RAOUL]
You know I do
[BOTH]
Love me—that’s all I ask of you